Dirty jokes

Dirty jokes are mainly directed towards an older audience that can properly enjoy them.

Dirty jokes 1-10

1. Men vacuums in the same way that they have sex. They just put it in, make some noise during 3 minutes, before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.

2. The inexperienced guy talks to his friend about his first encounter with a prostitute.
“It was totally crazy. Right when I came she screamed: whip me, bad boy, whip me..!”
“What did you do then?”, the friend asked.
“Well, I didn’t have a whip so I head banged her.”

3. A deaf man enters a pharmacy to buy condoms and tries to explain what he wants with sign language. The pharmacist doesn’t understand anything so the deaf man puts forth his penis and 50 dollars. The pharmacist then also pulls out his penis, takes the 50 dollars and puts them in his pocket. The deaf man gets all read in his face and starts to waive violently at the pharmacist who says:
“If you cannot stand loosing, you should not make a bet!”

4. The hurricane to the coconut tree: “Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blowjob”.

5. What do you call a goat that practices safe sex?
– A rubber goat.

6. Once upon a time two guys who knew each other well agreed that they would switch partners during a night. When the night came they entered two different rooms and said “enjoy”.
After a while a woman in one room stood up and said to the other one: “How do you think it’s going with the men?”

7. Ann and David were lying in the forest and making love when Ann suddenly discovers that a little boy is watching.
“David! There’s a boy.”
“Alright, I’ll try.”

8. A man went home with a prostitute and while at his place he demanded that she should be covering his ears during the whole time. The woman was used to many things so she just did what he had asked. Afterwards she asked: “Do you enjoy it more when someone is covering your ears?”
The man: “No, but then I do not have to listen to my wallet.”

9. Why are 60% of all men unable to sleep after sex?
– Because they are going home.

10. What is the best part of a blowjob?
– 10 minutes peace and quiet.

 

Dirty jokes 11-20

11. Why do sperm have tails?
– So that women will have something to pull if they get stuck in the teeth.

12. Sexual harassment is nothing but a pat that is lingering a bit too long!

13. The CEO to the secretary:
–  “Are you happy with the position?”
“Yes, except for the stapler that is pushing against my ass…”

14. A man had some problems with his marriage and was talking to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist gave him the advice to throw of his clothes right away when he faced his wife when coming home. To pull of her clothes and have passionate sex with her in the hallway.
– A week later the man had returned to his psychiatrist.

15. It has long been known that women are intelligent.
– Too bad only 98% of them spit it out instead of swallowing it…

16. Strength is hanging a wet towel over your penis.
Endurance is keeping it up until it has gone dry.

17. An employee to the boss.
“I just wanted to let you know that I have found another position.”
“That sounds good. If we lock the door we can try it out.”

18. What do you call an extra page in the porn magazine?
– Prolonged play time!

19. A work colleague was smelling bad and someone asked:
“Do you shower after sex?”
“Yes”, he replied.
“Then maybe it’s time that you have sex?”

20. The woman to the man after sex:
“I need to warn you that I have a very bad temper in the morning.”
“Don’t worry”, I’m long gone by then..

 

Dirty jokes 21-30

21. He asked a young woman:
– “Would you go to bed with a man for 50 000 dollars?”
– “Sure.”
– “Would you go to bed for a man for 10 dollars?”
– “No, what do you think I am?”
– “We both know that. Now let’s bargain about the price..”

22. Little Lindsay was getting  a visit by her cousin for the first time and when they were gonna go swimming during the night she saw him naked.
“Why do I not have such a thing between my legs?” she asked.
“Have patience!” her mom said.

23. Well, how did it go the psychiatrist asked.
– “It went well. She was happy but her card club was in chock…”

24. How did it go at the golf course?
– “Well, something happened to my balls.”
– “How come?”
– “I stepped on a rake.”

25. 92% of all men fall asleep within 20 minutes after having sex. This might lead to dangerous situations in traffic since they are all at their way home to their wives at that point.

26. Why do men always give their jackets to their women when they are cold?
– Who wants a blowjob from a woman who is shaking with her teeth?

27. I would really like triplets.
– “That will be difficult, that only happens once in a million.”
– “Well, then we better get started!”

28. She: “You are the worst lover I have ever been with!”
He: “How can you tell that in only 10 seconds?”

29. A blue whale shoots 400 liter sperm each time he cums. But only 10 % enters the partner, which means that 360 liter floats away.
– And you wonder why the ocean tastes like salt?

30. Doctor Anderson has a bad conscience since he has had sex with a patient.
One voice says, follow your desire.
Another voice says, remember that you are a vet.