Coarse jokes

Coarse jokes 1-10

1. Why are lesbian women quite often so fat and pale?
– Because they get too much sweets to lick and too little iron.

2. Weddings used to be really bothersome.
Each time there were old ladies, parents and other old people. They always patted my shoulder and said with a grin on their face “It is your time next!”. They quit doing that after I said the same thing to them when we were going to a funeral.

3. A man went to confession and cried to the priest.
– “Father, forgive me for I have sinned. During the second world war I did something very bad.”
– “What did you do?”
– “I gave shelter to a refugee on my loft.”
– “That is not a sin, but a good deed.”
– “But I had him pay full rent.”
– “That wasn’t very nice, but you were risking your life, so you are forgiven.”
– “Thank you, father. However a last question.”
– “Yes?”
– “Should I tell him that the war is over?”

4. Ted Bundy applied for vacation during Christmas. He really wanted 3 weeks, but unfortunately he only got 3 days. His reason was that it would take a long time for him to gather all his women for the holidays.

5. Mom, can I play with dad?
– “Shut up boy, let him hang until the police arrives…..”

6. The priest called the police, because there was a dead pig outside the church. When the police arrived they were quite bothered that they had to perform this task. One of the officers told the priest, with an ironic tone: “It is very important for the society that we spend time on this kind of task.”
“Yes, I really tried to hurry to make the call” the priest replied.
“I thought that you priests took care of your dead yourself?”
“We do, but we first notify the next of kin”

7. A man got a flat tire and called a friend.
“Hey, I’ve gotten a flat tire, can you help me?”
“How did that happen?”
“I ran over a bottle of vodka.”
“That sounds quite stupid, how did you not see it?”
“That damn Russian obviously had it in his pocket!”

8. Matt: “Look there is a bear, what shall we do?”
Bryan: “I’m just gonna find my running shoes.”
Matt: “But do you really think you can run away from it?”
Bryan: “Nooo, but I can run away from you!”

9. What is the similarity between a dog and a woman?
– The bigger the stick, the more they drool.

10. Once there was a man who loved playing football. He suddenly started wondering if there is football in heaven? He decided to visit a priest to ask. He visited the priest and asked: -“Do you know if you can play football in heaven?”
“I can ask God, so if you return in a few days I will have an answer for you.”
A few days later the man returned to church and asked if the priest had gotten a reply.
-“Well, I have both good and bad news” – the priest said
-“Alright, then give me the good news first”.
-“There is football in heaven.”
-“I’m glad to hear that, but what are the bad news?”
-“That you will be playing on their team on Saturday.”


Coarse jokes 11-20

11. Mom, my head really hurts.
– “Alright, but then step away from the dart board.”

12. The door bell rang.
-“Hello, I am collecting donations for an elderly home.”
-“Wait a minute, you can get my mother in law right away!”

13. A grumpy lady enters the office of her boss to make a complaint 
-“Could you please tell Bill to stop with his sexual harassment!

-“What has he done?”
-“He is saying that my hair smells nice.”

-“Shouldn’t you be happy for that?”
-“NO, it is sexual harassment!”
-“How can that be?”
-“Because he is a MIDGET!”

14. The life insurance service-man when talking to a customer.
-“You should not be frightened by what I am saying so it is better that you take some time to consider this first. You can call me in the morning when you wake up, if you wake up.”

15. Two rockers are having a conversation.
-“What has happened to your girlfriend?”
-“She died.”
-“I’m sorry to hear that, how did that happen?”
-“She had a cold.”
-“But that’s not something you die from?”
-“Yes, if you pass the cold on to me!”

16. Do you use egg shampoo?
-“No, why?”
-“Because your scalp is showing!”

17. An Asian man is trying to enter a discotheque.
-“20 bucks please!” the door man says.
-“Don’t try to fool me!”
-“But that is the price.”
-“Then where does it say KAMIKAZE 20 bucks?”

18. An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if you don’t miss!

19. 2 guys were out in a jungle. One of the guys walks a few meters to the side in order to take a leak, when he suddenly gets bit in his dick.
-“What happened?”
-“I’ve been bit in my dick by a poisonous snake!”
His friend calls 911 where they tell him that if they don’t arrive right away, then he has 5 minutes to suck out the poison.
-“What did the doctors say?”
-“That you will die in five minutes.”

20. The girls in the seventh grade were preparing for confirmation.
If any of you have touched a penis, then you need to be washed in holy water, the priest said. The first girl steps forward and says that she has touched one with her finger, and she therefore washes her finger in the holy water. Then the next girl steps forward and says that she has touched a penis with her entire hand, and she shall therefore wash her entire hand. The third girl hurries to the front of the queue, and the priest asks her why she is in such a hurry?
-“Because I’m going to wash my mouth in the holy water, and I’m gonna do that before Louise washes her ass!”


Coarse jokes 21-30

21. A Thai girl got it hard in the ass and fell towards the end of the bed, knocking out her teeth.
-“I’m so sorry” the man said.
Then the Thai girl replied:
-“Don’t worry, those were just my milk teeth!”

22. When the man heard that his mother in-law had crashed and died on the spot, he started to cry like crazy. One of the man’s friends asked him what had happened, to which he replied: -“My mother-in-law has crashed and died on the spot, in MY NEW CAR!”

23. How do you switch light bulbs in the kitchen?
– You do not! Women can cook dinner in the dark!

24. What is the similarity between a man and a bottle?
– They are both empty from the neck and above!

25. Why did the three little piggies leave home?
– Because their mother was a PIG!