Clean jokes

Best 10 clean jokes on the net

A funny collection of top 10 clean jokes plus 5 bonus clean jokes, all applicable for both older relatives, co-workers and kids, without getting into trouble. They are very funny jokes and will make you laugh. In common they are all funny, clean and just outright laughable. Enjoy!

Clean jokes 1-5

1. Evolution or genesis
A child asked his father, “How were people born?” So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.” The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.” The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!” His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”

2. Shower jokes
What kind of jokes do you make in the shower?
– Clean jokes!

3. Dishwasher
I’d rather spend ten minutes 
rearranging the dishwasher to 
accommodate something than spend 30 seconds washing it by hand.

4. New job
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?” The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of six weeks vacation fully paid, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 40% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?” The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?” The interviewer replies, “Ofcourse, but you started it.”

5. Teacher’s pet?
Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
Student: “Meat!”
Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the pig give you?”
Student: “Bacon!”
Teacher: “Great! And what does the fat cow give you?”
Student: “Homework!”

Read our other funny jokes in the knock knock jokes category

Clean jokes 6-10

6. Sad fruit
My friend thinks he is smart – He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry. Then I threw a coconut at his face…

7. God is watching
In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, “Only take one. God is watching.”
Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

8. Morning rutine
Instead of “the John” I named my toilet “the Jim”.
– That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

9. Who is genius?
A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot.
The genius says: “Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don’t know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can’t answer yours I will give you $5,000.”
The idiot says: “Okay!”
The genius then asks: “How many continents are there in the world?”
The idiot doesn’t know and hands over the $5.
The idiot says: “Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?” The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5000.
The genius says, “Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?”
– The idiot hands over $5…

10. Counting cats
Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Stephen: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Stephen: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Stephen: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Stephen: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Stephen, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Stephen: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”

Read our other funny jokes in the Chuck Norris jokes category

Clean jokes 11-15

11. Where are we?
A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?” She leaned over the counter and said, “Burrr-gerrr Kiiing!”

12. Who is watching
Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say: “Jesús is watching you.”
He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard: “Jesús is watching you”.
In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, “Was it you who said Jesús is watching me?”
The parrot replied, “Yes.” – Relieved, the burglar asked, “What is your name?” The parrot said, “Clarence.”
The burglar said, “Clarence is a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you that?”
– The parrot answered: “The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesús.”

13. Outsmarted
This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked, “Is someone in your house?” and George said, “No,” and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them all.”

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

14. All is relative
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?”
Millionaire: “I owe everything to my wife.”
Interviewer: “Wow, she must be some woman.
Interviewer: “What were you before you married her?”
Millionaire: “A Billionaire”

15. Ugly & mean
A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, “I want to be gorgeous.” God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This went on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man’s turn came, he laughed and said, “I wish they were all ugly again.”